Aphorisms

Everyone has their own favorite sayings & responses to typical questions. I am not referring to quotes from others, but to sayings you create or adopt and use regularly. Below are some of my favorite responses and sayings. Some are original with me. I have probably borrowed most from others, but I can only recall the source for a couple.

 

 

 

Use any you find useful, and you don’t need to cite the source.

Here they are.

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When people are trying to find a minor mistake among many successes, I say it is like “trying to pick the fly-poop out of the pepper.”

When someone asks me “how you are doing?” I often answer, “Finer than frog’s hair” and the following dialogue ensues:

“What?”

“Have you ever seen hair on a frog?”

“No.”

“That’s because it’s so fine.”

Marsha and I have been married for 54 years. When people want to know the secret of our long and happy marriage, I am quick to tell them, “Even when Marsha’s wrong, she’s right.”

I spent much of my career training salespeople. If you’ve ever been in sales, you know you experience a lot of rejection. To help the newbies, I remind them:

“There are no stupid questions. Only stupid people.”

“You are not responsible for someone else’s stupidity. Only your own.”

Another way I like to respond to the query “How are you?” Is “Far better than I deserve.” (Referring to the grace of God.)

At the grocery store, as I push my cart out the door, I am often asked, “Can I help you? I respond, “No thanks. My wife says I am beyond help.”

When Marsha asks me about doing chores around the house, here are some responses I like to use:

“It’s’ on my to-do list.” Of course, I have a digital to-do list, so it is easy to move the task into the future.

“I’ll put it on my to-do list.” (Marsha rolls her eyes.)

“Never do today what you can put off until later.”

Here are more responses to the question, “How are you doing?” I like to use now that I am in my 70’s.

“Above the dirt.”

“Ambulatory.”

“Still taking nutrition.”

“Better than the alternative.”

When a friend says, “Good to see you.” I answer, “Good to be seen.”

When I’m under the weather and someone asks, “How are you feeling?” My reply might be,

“Like something you might step in walking through a cow pasture.”

“Somewhat lower than whale poop.” (Whale poop drops to the bottom of the ocean.)

I use one of my favorite sayings and responses when asked, “where do you stand politically?” I reply, “Somewhere to the right of Attila the Hun.”

I’m at the grocery store deli counter and order a pound of ham. On the scale, it reads 1.20 lbs. Before the clerk takes slices off the pile, I say, “That’s good. Always round up. I sold insurance for years and you always round up.” That always gets a chuckle and smile from the person serving me. In fact, one of the deli managers now tells me he is rounding up!

One time, my agency led our division in sales, but sales were down across the division, including our agency. I described our performance as being the “Top turd on a pile of poop.”

We invest most of our retirement dollars in the stock market. When Marsha asked what the market did one day during a recent downturn I told her, “It’s was only down a little today, so we’re going broke slower.”

When someone asks me for investment advice, I tell them to “Buy high and sell low.” Then I wait to see their reaction, when and if what I just said sinks in.

I love chicken noodle soup and I always ask Marsha to add extra noodles because “You can never have too many noodles.”

When I began my grad school studies in public administration at Penn State, Marsha and I were invited to a reception for new students to meet the professors. Alcoholic drinks were served and soon I needed to use the restroom. While standing at a urinal, one of my new profs was standing at the next urinal and he taught me my first lesson about government service. “Fran,” he said, “remember that your output today is someone’s input tomorrow.”

My doctor asked me how often I exercised. I answered, “Rarely because I know that everyone who exercises eventually dies.” (Think about it.) I also refuse to eat rhubarb because first, it is an unclean food (I’m sure you can find that in Leviticus.) and second, everyone who eats rhubarb eventually dies.

I hope you got a laugh reading this. If you did, please let me know.

Now, while I’ve shared some of my favorite sayings and responses, allow me to share my favorite words from the Bible.

 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. (Ephesians 2:8–10 ESV)